Tim Carpenter Essay: My Heart

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“I want to live, I want to give,
I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold,
It’s these expressions I never give,
That keep me searchin’ for a heart of gold,
And I’m getting old.”

– Neil Young, “Heart of Gold”

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My Heart

by Tim Carpenter

I don’t know whether I failed my heart, or my heart failed me. Either way, I’m trying to make sense of the fact that I had a heart attack at 62 last month.

I woke up on President’s Day morning and knew something was very wrong. A boa constrictor had wrapped itself around my chest. I struggled to breathe, was drenched in sweat, and my jaw ached terribly. I told my wife I needed to get to the hospital, just a handful of minutes away.

I thought I was going to have a heart attack, but when they looked at the EKG, they told me I was actually already in the middle of having one, and they would be moving fast now. The cardiologist had a stent in my blocked artery in what seemed like 15 minutes. Modern western medicine might get a bad rap sometimes, but when you need an angioplasty, you feel lucky to have access.

The worst part of that morning is knowing the pain and fear it inflicted on my wife, who drove me to the ER (important tip: don’t do this, call 911), her seeing the pain and panic on my face as I was wheeled into the Cath lab. Perhaps even worse was the tearful call I had with my daughter shortly after being in the clear, knowing that she knew I went in, and she didn’t know if I would come back out. Her mom died when she was 8 years old and the thought of her losing a second parent is devastating to me.

This event has brought up in sharp detail the memory of finding my father in his side yard, fallen in the leaves he was raking, trying to revive him. It was the first time I’d touched my lips to his since I was a small boy. He was 59 when he died, three years younger than I am now. I was lucky. He was not.

Before the heart attack, I had very recently started seeing a cardiologist for heart arrythmia, partly because my siblings all have atrial fibrillation, so wanted to get ahead of it if I was headed down that same road. I have always been competitive, so it’s just like me to one-up them by skipping AFib to have a heart attack, the first of my generation for the win.

My cardiologist, who seems like a cross between Einstein and Jerry Garcia, called me in the ICU after the event and his first words? “Bro. You had a heart attack!” I laughed, the desired effect, and told him that I was still trying to wrap my head around that fact, too. I still am.

Ironically, toward the end of last year and the beginning of this one, I had been on a path toward getting healthy again after my less-than-great pandemic habits. When the attack happened, I had lost 30 pounds from my couch potato COVID days. I was eating much better, exercising regularly, trying my best. I guess in retrospect maybe I should’ve squeezed in one more cheeseburger for the good old days.

So, what happens next? It’s a question I’m still trying to answer and thankfully continue to be able to consider each day that I wake up.

As you probably know, for the past 25 years, I have been working for EngAGE, where we provide life-enhancing programs in arts, well-being, lifelong learning, community building, and intergenerational connection to people living in affordable housing. Our goal is to help give people the chance to live their best lives. Although we now work with all ages, we started with seniors, trying to make aging, well… cool. Having thought about better ways to get older for a long time, I am now trying to practice what I’ve preached, so here are some ideas I am applying to my own journey, post-heart attack, now. Many of these can be healthy ways to think about your own lifestyle.

Healthcare: I am taking my medications. I went from taking none to having a very colorful 7-day, twice-a-day pillbox, lucky me. I’m also under the ongoing care of my cardiologist Dr. Einstein-Garcia. I am closely monitoring my blood pressure and cholesterol.

Eating healthy: I am not on a diet; eating healthy is my lifestyle now. I am following a nutrition plan created by my friend and EngAGE board member Dr. Greg Berkoff, check it out here.

Exercise: I am slowly building back to exercising like I did before this happened, walking and building up to 30-40 minutes per day, to be followed by getting back to the gym for cardio, weights, core strength building, and balance.

Mental health: I am watching out for signs in me of depression, isolation, and loneliness. I am ready to go back to therapy if needed and am trying to constantly connect with family and good friends. This phase of life is interesting, as are all of them, so I talk about it with people I love, often.

Mental attitude: When I find myself feeling down about what happened or where I am in life, I try to feel a positive, strong sense of being lucky to be alive, as we all should feel, each day.

Gratitude: I practice it actively each day, thankful for my life, my friends and family, for each breath.

Drinking: I have had a love/hate relationship with this, especially during the pandemic, so I am using this event to quit, completely, and am very happy with that.

Mindfulness: I am trying to be more present, to actively breathe and to meditate. I try to pay attention to the beauty in life, to stop and notice that. The recent snow frosting the mountains near LA was a good reminder of that for me.

Community: I want to continue to create a sense of community, belonging, and social connection in my day-to-day life. My wife and I have been meeting people in our neighborhood, stopping on the street in town to pet their dogs, say hello, and try to establish relationships with people who live nearby.

Creativity/hobbies: I have been wanting to get back to being a more creative person in my personal life. I have taken up drawing again after a very long time, have been trying to do some creative writing (which I used to live for), and have been practicing photography as I travel and move through my world.

Nature: I have been walking outside more, trying to get back to a love for walking and hiking and taking in the stunning beauty of the great outdoors.

Purpose: As a person in midlife, I have been paying attention to my ongoing sense of purpose and how I want to live the rest of my life. I want to continue to do good, to help my community and the people who live in it.

Forgiveness: I am working to forgive myself. When we experience a traumatic incident, it’s easy to blame ourselves. I felt responsible for what happened to me and how deeply it affected the people I love, especially my wife and daughter. That has helped motivate me to change behavior to make sure I’m around for the people I love. But I also want to forgive myself and move on.

After having suffered a heart attack, I would not wish it on anyone – they hurt terribly, it scared me more than I can tell you, and I realize how much I want to live on, to spend more time with my wife, daughter, family, and friends. It’s never too late to make this phase, or every phase, of your life better for you and the people you love. Carpe diem.